23. Emptiness

Period: September 2013

Having been working part-time as a barmaid, at the end of August I took the decision to return to my previous employer. I was still experiencing relatively mild symptoms, like urgent pooping, cramps and swelling and I was also still relying on the Fortisips for about 600 calories a day on average. But the symptoms were ten times more manageable than they had been 6-months earlier and I was more concerned about getting my mental health in order now. I considered returning to a more challenging job to be an important step for improving my confidence.

However, in early September, between the two jobs, I spent an entire weekend in my bedroom with the curtains closed, doing nothing but smoking weed and researching suicide on the internet. Thankfully I've got a very strong sense of guilt and so far this had always stopped doing anything stupid, but I realised it was now a serious problem and I went to the GP surgery first thing Monday morning.

I was prescribed anti-depressants and promised the doctor that I would arrange a new appointment with the councillor. Unfortunately, I was so full of pride and euphoria for admitting to myself and my GP that there was a problem, that I didn't think I needed the anti-depressants after all, so I threw the prescription away! If you've read this far it goes without saying - I'm a bit of a independent, stubborn idiot! However, I did make an appointment with the councillor.

It was around about this time that I read a comment on a Crohn's forum that I will never forget. A women had posted a message saying how lucky we all are to have Crohn's disease because we will get to know our bodies so much better. I envied her that positivity. My body and I were much happier when me maintained a cool, wary distance. While I try to look on the positive side as much as possible (I will probably never be obese!), I would gladly sacrifice any possible benefits to not feel like I'd lost a couple of years of my life to Crohn's.