The Present

Period: Presently

As the end of August approaches, I can say with certainty that the last four weeks have been the longest sustained period in which I have felt even remotely like myself in over three years. I accept that a lot of that is down to the medication, both physically and mentally. However, with my head now clearing, I realise that as a result of the Crohn's disease and all challenges that have accompanied it, a number of  weaknesses in my personality have been exposed. These are the things that stop me from being truly happy, not the challenges (here comes the crazy spiritualist I warned you about at the very beginning of the blog!).

I possess an incredibly strong independent streak, this has been the single biggest character flaw that made the Crohn's experience more difficult than it should have been. For example: 

• I insisted of attending all medical appointments alone unless otherwise necessary
• For a remarkably long time I tried to fix the Crohn's symptoms myself by changing my lifestyle, instead of accepting there was a serious problem requiring medical intervention
• Similarly, I took a long time to accept that I could not overcome depression alone and even longer to accept that I needed a synthetic drug to overcome it, which made me feel like I was deficient in some way because I couldn't fix it myself

The other weaknesses to have been exposed during my Crohn's experience are shame, embarrassment and guilt. This made the misery greater than necessary because:

• I was too ashamed that there was something wrong with my body to admit to myself that there was even a problem
• I was too embarrassed of my Crohn's symptoms to ask for help or share my problems with others, choosing instead to push them as far away as possible
• Permanently overcome with guilt as a result of taking time off from work, being a drain on the NHS and causing other people to worry about me (among others!)
• So overcome by shame at allowing myself to succumb to depression that I chose isolation wherever possible

I am aware that these weaknesses have not been caused by my Crohn's experiences, it has simply exposed the things that have stopped me achieving my full potential so far in life. My independence was evident from a very young age, when I refused point-blank to hold anyone's hand crossing the road and insisted on sitting alone when travelling on public transport. It's not what you typically expect of a 7-year old girl! Similarly, shame and embarrassment have been a persistent aspect of my personality from a young age, with education being a prominent example. Throughout school and uni I refused to ask teachers and lecturers for help unless absolute failure was the only alternative. In one case, to avoid the embarrassment of asking for help during an A-Level assignment, I opted not to submit one, preferring a bad grade than the shame of admitting I did not fully understand the brief. How completely illogical!!!

It has only taken me a number of years, together with unnecessary levels of misery and suffering, to come to these realisations about myself. I had always thought of myself as a very strong person and, for better or worse, the Crohn's has exposed my weaknesses. In doing so, I hope it will make me a stronger person in the long run. Since starting my new job I feel like a different person to the one I was few months ago. I feel closer the person I knew before the onset of this life-changing condition. The only difference is, I am more self-aware, more empathetic and I have much thicker skin!