Period: June 2014
With my consultants appointment just two months away - and with it the prospect of stopping Infliximab - I had that annoying limbo feeling again with the uncertainty I perceived over the coming 12-months. On the one hand I wanted to cease the infusions because I needed to know one way or another if I could stay well without it, but on the other hand I was terrified at the prospect of my Crohn's symptoms worsening.
Furthermore, no matter how hard I tried I just seemed to be lurching from one nightmare after another - every time I felt like my mood was improving, something would come along and I would let it drag me down again. My mind was all over the place, I had seen a councillor three times since March and I really needed more frequent appointments to truly get anything out of it. Unfortunately, with all the regular blood tests, infusions and various other medical appointments, I just felt too guilty and embarrassed to take any more time off from work.
Therefore, with my last day at work fast approaching I decided it was finally time to put my own needs first. Since returning from New Zealand I had been more concerned with what my employers, colleagues and family expected of me to do the things I wanted to do. I started by booking a 4-night stay in a luxury log cabin - I left work on the Friday and I was due at the cabin on the Monday. On the Saturday, I received a letter from my bank and after calling them I discovered that my debit card had been cloned - someone had tried to withdraw money in New York, but thankfully the bank had blocked the transaction. Unfortunately it meant that my debit card had to be cancelled immediately! As I have never bothered with a credit card I was a bit uneasy about going away alone without plastic and carrying wads of cash, but I decided I couldn't let it stop me.
I had booked a similar holiday back in the Autumn and my little old Corsa had completely died just an hour in to the journey. When it had to be scrapped I was so depressed that I just came straight home. On my previous holiday, to Amsterdam in January 2012, I had developed terrible flu on the second day. The trip before that, New Zealand, was cut short by Crohn's. On this occasion I resolved I would not let anything get in the way of having a lush time!
Knowing how negative and judgemental my Mum and brother can be, I decided not to tell them about the trip until I got up on Monday morning and packed my suitcase. I was very excited as it was the first time I had been away in a long time and I didn't want their inevitable negativity and criticisms to ruin my excitement. Apart from a brief fart or poop moment on the drive there, I felt great the whole time. I arranged for a beauty therapist to come to the cabin and I had a fabulous full-body massage and my first ever facial. It felt great to treat myself when I had been living so frugally for the past few years. Having generally lived hand-to-mouth, normally when I spend money on non-essential things I feel incredibly guilty, but on this occasion all I felt was satisfaction and I resolved to do more of it! The rest of my stay passed in a tranquil blur of sunshine, walking, nature and quality food. The trip was not some momentous turning point, but it felt like a much needed escape that I could use as a springboard to overcoming the depression, which I was finally ready to acknowledge.
Furthermore, no matter how hard I tried I just seemed to be lurching from one nightmare after another - every time I felt like my mood was improving, something would come along and I would let it drag me down again. My mind was all over the place, I had seen a councillor three times since March and I really needed more frequent appointments to truly get anything out of it. Unfortunately, with all the regular blood tests, infusions and various other medical appointments, I just felt too guilty and embarrassed to take any more time off from work.
Therefore, with my last day at work fast approaching I decided it was finally time to put my own needs first. Since returning from New Zealand I had been more concerned with what my employers, colleagues and family expected of me to do the things I wanted to do. I started by booking a 4-night stay in a luxury log cabin - I left work on the Friday and I was due at the cabin on the Monday. On the Saturday, I received a letter from my bank and after calling them I discovered that my debit card had been cloned - someone had tried to withdraw money in New York, but thankfully the bank had blocked the transaction. Unfortunately it meant that my debit card had to be cancelled immediately! As I have never bothered with a credit card I was a bit uneasy about going away alone without plastic and carrying wads of cash, but I decided I couldn't let it stop me.
I had booked a similar holiday back in the Autumn and my little old Corsa had completely died just an hour in to the journey. When it had to be scrapped I was so depressed that I just came straight home. On my previous holiday, to Amsterdam in January 2012, I had developed terrible flu on the second day. The trip before that, New Zealand, was cut short by Crohn's. On this occasion I resolved I would not let anything get in the way of having a lush time!
Knowing how negative and judgemental my Mum and brother can be, I decided not to tell them about the trip until I got up on Monday morning and packed my suitcase. I was very excited as it was the first time I had been away in a long time and I didn't want their inevitable negativity and criticisms to ruin my excitement. Apart from a brief fart or poop moment on the drive there, I felt great the whole time. I arranged for a beauty therapist to come to the cabin and I had a fabulous full-body massage and my first ever facial. It felt great to treat myself when I had been living so frugally for the past few years. Having generally lived hand-to-mouth, normally when I spend money on non-essential things I feel incredibly guilty, but on this occasion all I felt was satisfaction and I resolved to do more of it! The rest of my stay passed in a tranquil blur of sunshine, walking, nature and quality food. The trip was not some momentous turning point, but it felt like a much needed escape that I could use as a springboard to overcoming the depression, which I was finally ready to acknowledge.
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