The (new) Beginning

Period: August 2014

Even at my lowest I had always sensed the real me, the me that existed pre-Crohn's, lurking somewhere at the back of my mind - but there was a barrier of negative thoughts muting it's presence. When I'd been seeing the councillor (whom I had stopped visiting by this time) she told me that anti-depressants might be just the thing I needed to tip the scales in my favour a bit and help me turn things around once and for all. 

I have always been irrationally suspicious of anti-depressants, but with my life effectively on hold  once again I was now prepared to put that to one side and try anything. At around the same time I also started taking time out to follow a mindfulness meditation from You Tube (click here). After a couple of weeks I started to notice a difference. Not a dancing around the room singing Abba kind of different, more like a butterfly slowly emerging from the cocoon  (please forgive the cheesy analogy!). Placebo effect or not, I was conscious of the change in my thought patterns and the increasingly tranquil manner in which I was dealing with everyday challenges, instead of the furious 'victim' that I had slowly allowed myself to become.

Before I developed Crohn's Disease I had looked upon most challenges and inconveniences as an opportunity for learning about the world and./or about myself. Somewhere amongst the chronic pain, diarrhoea, vomiting, fatigue and depression, instead of embracing new experiences I anticipated them with fear and self-doubt. The anti-depressants helped me to put those fears and anxieties in to a little box and look at them objectively, thereby recognising how irrational they were.

As I started applying for jobs my confidence began to bloom. Instead of believing that I was not a worthy employee because of all the medical absences, I started to realise that my ability and work ethic more than compensated. I also realised that in previous jobs I had been too involved, too committed to proving myself to all my colleagues because I felt ashamed of any absences. Therefore, as my progress with my Human Resources studies had been hindered by my lack of motivation for a couple of months, I decided to seek a position with limited responsibility, where I could come home at the end of the day and just forget about work. Before I developed Crohn's Disease I had always been very driven to succeed. As a result of my experience, the primary way in which my character has changed is that I now realise success is subjective. These days I am more driven to help others, rather than to obtain a promotion at work (doesn't stop me giving 110% when I'm there though!).

I found a job where time off for medical appointments does not cause any major inconveniences for my colleagues. As the Managing Director also has Crohn's Disease, it really takes the pressure off - I don't constantly feel like I need to prove myself to make up for the absences.When I recently arrived a few hours late following my Infliximab infusion, I didn't feel ashamed or guilty (well only a little bit!).