30. Full Circle?

Period: July 2014

When I returned from my holiday, I received a letter from the hospital telling me that they needed to cancel my consultants appointment in August and had rescheduled me for the next available time - in December! My first reaction was naturally anger because I just wanted to try and come off the Infliximab to know one way or the other if I could stay well. Then came relief, because it meant at least another 6-months of treatment and (finger crossed) staying relatively well. Then came acceptance of that which is largely beyond my control.

If you have read this far, you may recognise that since the onset of symptoms, I have essentially followed the 5-stages of grief, except anger and bargaining were the other way around - but I guess I've always been a bit mixed up  :-p

If you have read the blog in it's entirety you will know that in the beginning I was very obviously in denial. While backpacking in New Zealand in 2009, I pushed my body extremely hard because I refused to let my symptoms prevent from getting on with my everyday life. For a long time I convinced myself that vomiting, diarrhoea and severe pain are in fact perfectly normal or at worst it was caused by IBS. I don’t regret this because I did have an amazing time, but I can’t help but wonder how different the whole experience would have been without the constant intrusion of Crohn’s Disease. Throughout all the further stages of the cycle there was always an element of denial!

In terms of bargaining, when I returned from backpacking, I tried to live a healthier lifestyle in the hope that it might somehow stop my symptoms. I improved my diet, tried to give up smoking and went crazy for exercise. By the time I received a diagnosis in 2012 I was very much in the anger phase. Angry at myself for not being pushier with the doctors. Angry at all the doctors and incorrect diagnoses. Generally just angry that my life had effectively been put on hold because of the situation.

Following the Crohn’s diagnosis, the depression started. Unfortunately, with the experiences that followed in terms of steroids and hospitalisations I allowed it to manifest. Furthermore, I convinced myself that once I got my physical health under control, my mental health would magically follow suit.  By the time I started Infliximab and my Crohn's recovery, 12-months later, the depression had well and truly taken hold. Where I had previously been so preoccupied with my physical symptoms, their absence now magnified the depression and it took the place of Crohn’s as the constant worry in my life. I now feel like I am in the acceptant stage, but it’s most definitely not complete. For one thing the recent improvements had a lot to do with those annoyingly effective anti-depressants, and that's hardly a long term solution! Furthermore, little things like an inconvenient urge to poop or severe fatigue still fill me with resentment rather than the serene acceptance I would prefer. 

In July, having been off work for a month, I had intended to commence my job hunt and I realised that starting a new job in my current frame of mind was not the best idea if I wanted to sustain the little improvement I had made. Back in 2012, when I finally admitted defeat and took myself to A&E with Crohn's after 3-years of hell, the realisation that I was unable to work had been a significant factor in forcing me to take the matter seriously at last. I now found myself in the same position with depression and I visited the doctor to obtain anti-depressants. I was fed up with feeling miserable and I knew this wasn't the real me.I had also decided to cease counselling - the thought asking a new employer for even more time off made me feel depressed in itself. I thought asking for anti-depressants would feel like defeat, accepting that I could not handle this alone. Instead, the recent me-time had afforded me some self-reflection - I now realised that depression was not my biggest weakness, it was the inability to ask for help that was the primary problem!